Attraction

The following post is written by Angela, my latest dance partner and primary instructor for the upcoming Club Dance For Women series.  I was going to write about cockblocks, but she offered to give a female perspective on the issue.

Here’s a scene I’m sure might hit close to home. You’re in the club, chatting with the hot little number you just spotted from across the room. You can tell she’s into you by the way she casually touches your arm and laughs at all of your jokes, even the lame ones. You’re a heartbeat away from a done deal, when - out of nowhere - in swoops every man’s most irritating, repeating nightmare: the mother hen. You know what comes next. The MH quickly morphs into what can only be described as an impenetrable brick wall between you and your new ladyfriend. Despite your attempts to regain control of this situation, the experienced MH sees your efforts to be an even greater threat, and at this point decides to remove her chick from the situation entirely. And before you know it, you’re left standing in the club even lonelier than when you first walked in.

As an experienced chick in this game, I am here to help you fend off these mother hens! Be warned, they are persistent, determined and protective creatures. But not impossible. It’s just a matter of knowing how to deal with them.

1. The Wing Man

The best of the best; this option should always be your first when dealing with MHs. It eliminates any time you may spend diverting the big bird yourself, and allows you to focus on your top priority: the chick. It’s time for your buddy to take one for the team, and distract, humor, flatter, amuse, entertain, flirt with and/or order shots for the mother hen. Whatever it takes. MHs are sometimes described as the “bitter, jealous friend” who doesn’t want anyone getting attention if she isn’t getting it as well. So give her what she needs! Guaranteed, your buddy may need you to pull a similar favor sometime in the near future.

2. Befriend the Beast

Despite the idea that MHs are always the least appealing of the group, and just out to block any action their prettier friends might get, there are several women out there who are simply jaded by men they meet in clubs. They, in turn, feel responsible for their friends, and feel an obligation to protect and defend their fellow ladies from any and all potential harm. So although it may take up a bit of your time which could be better spent laying down the foundation with your true interest, making friends with the MH is your key to not only gaining more time with “the pretty one” but could even lead the MH to vouch for you later when her girlfriend comes to her looking for reassurance, and of course, making sure she wasn’t wearing any type of goggles at any point in the night. Women always want feedback from their girlfriends. If you can prove your intentions are sincere and  plead your case directly to the MH, consider yourself golden. Befriending the entire group of friends is also a great way to establish trust towards you among the flock.

3. Birdnapping

This should be a last resort when it comes to defeating the mother hen. Warning: should you wish to pursue anything beyond small talk at the bar with your beautiful chick, you will most definitely need to make up for this move at some point in the future. Birdnapping is going to mean distracting the MH with any and all means necessary, followed by a quick but effective swooping of the chick to relocate to another, hopefully inconspicuous area of the bar to resume chatting. Mother hen is not going to like this. But, if you can win yourself enough time with your new ladyfriend to personally convince her of your intentions, establish a connection, and allow her to realize she can make her own decisions when it comes to you, then the MH will soon be a distant memory. However, as I mentioned, achieving step 2 (befriending the beast) will be that much more difficult if steps are not done in proper order!

It’s all about understanding what is behind the mother hen’s protective behavior. Is she needing a little personal attention herself? Or is she simply keeping her girlfriend’s best interest in mind? The answer will help you decide how to proceed. Just remember to be yourself, don’t give up, and definitely don’t ruffle anyone’s feathers. You’ll prove your worth to the chick after all.

(Ki'une) Some things I would like to add.  Don't bother befriending the MH if she's the only one sitting down, arms crossed, and not looking like she's having a good time.  Also, a great question to ask when you talk to a group is "How do you guys know each other?" , and then calibrate according to the response.  If they say "co-workers", you don't need to worry about a MH situation so much.  If they say "bachelorette party", then you'll probably have a MH situation.

I'm curious about something - why did disco die? Almost forty years ago, club dancing existed in the form of disco dancing (or nightclub dancing). It was cheesy, fun, and uninhibited. No matter how young you are, I'm sure you've come across a re-enactment dance of Saturday Night Fever or heard the songs "Stayin' Alive" or "I Will Survive" at some point in your life.

The disco and funk era was something for sure. I'm a big fan of the two genres, pulling lots of elements of their dance styles into my own dance style, particularly locking (a street dance style). In fact, when I talk to girls, I often mention that I should have grown up in the 70's. I'm still throw in arm rolls and pointing left, right, and center in heaps while I dance.

More importantly, guys and gals danced and interacted with each other on the dance floor through lots of partnering work. You could either do it freestyle, or pick up some formal moves from disco schools and learn "the hustle", "cha cha", or "touch style". Obviously, if you wanted to dance like John Travolta and be one up on the other guys, you would take some lessons, and of course, learn how to point with confidence.

Somehow, through the 80's and 90's, disco died, the partnering dance patterns disappeared and only reappeared in the form of swing and especially Latin. What was left in the clubs were guys giving girls awkward turns, twisting arms, and later on, just dirty grinding. There was a disco backlash that killed the music genre in North America for a while, but why did partner dancing in clubs fade away?

Was it too hard to learn? Not everyone wants to or can pick up dancing. With formal steps, it also becomes too rigid - ballroom dancing doesn't need to be revisited in the clubs.

Is it not in men's natures? Obviously, women go out for girl's night outs to dance while most men would definitely not be doing that - rather, hanging out at a sports bar, strip club, or watching the latest UFC event at a friend's house is the preferred choice. If guys are at the clubs, then it's only to get drunk enough to muster enough confidence to either 1) approach a girl 2) grind up against a girl 3) forget that they're there.

Maybe it was due to the popularity of breakdancing? I was watching the 80's move Back To The Future the other day, and a breakdancing (or breaking) scene made me notice that the 80's started to give way to hip hop culture and breaking. Somewhat male-oriented, girls in high heels and short skirts can only dance on the spot and watch on the edge of the dance circle. They can't even squat like the boys.

You could be the best breaker and dance a storm for all the girls to watch, but what they really want is part of the fun and action. I've seen and heard it many times. Guys who break, pop, and lock asking me what to do. Nothing wrong with breaking. I love it, but it doesn't work so well in clubs.

There could be many other reasons, but simply, partnered dancing in clubs simply died. However, thanks to recent dance shows like "Dancing With The Stars", "So You Think You Can Dance?", and ""America's Best Dance Crew", a resurgence of dance interest, particularly from girls, has ignited. Girls have always wanted to dance, but now the pressure's on for guys to dance. All the partnering and flirting of dancing with the opposite sex is coming back and I want to be on the front lines making it happen.

I don't call it Nightclub Dancing anymore, so it's not confused with Disco Dancing, but simply Club Dancing. Club Dancing, or what I call the Club Dance Style, is simply taking basic street moves (which I mostly cover in my Level 1 DVD) and mixing it with some time-honored and some new partnering moves. For example, taking some cuban salsa turn patterns while doing lyrical hip hop movements.

We're not competing for a dance show, so I want to keep my Club Dance Style as freestyle as possible, meaning to minimize the formal steps while maximizing the fun factor. Keep your eye on it. If all the guys following my dance lessons pick it up, you'll see it show up in a club or social near you.

Someone told me something interesting this past Saturday night.  I usually wear a custom shirt with my URL embroidered on the back of my shirt when I go out.

After watching me dance, an intrigued girl watching me asked me about my business.  After I told her, she remarked that it was very much like the Will Smith's character in Hitch.

I've never made that connection before, but now that I think about it, what I do is a LOT like that dance scene from the movie Hitch.  I watch guys dance, correct their faults (including cheesy dance moves!), and advise them to stick to the basics at the beginning.  Of course, there is the exception that we go beyond basic moves and build  up to more advanced techniques and styling at a comfortable pace.

But here's the best part.  I feel like my students are like the great guys/students from Hitch - they're definitely the guys women want to meet.  If you're a guy who wants to make some change in your life and learn dance, it subcommunicates a lot to women.  By subcommunication, I mean that it's showing attractive qualities about a guy without being direct about it.

If you're direct about your "attractive" qualities, that is, you go on and on about empty bragging rights such as your fancy car, large house, high-paying job, etc., you might need to re-evaulate yourself and your ego.  For most women I've encountered - I'd say over 95% - bragging is a major turn-off.  If you dance, or even tell a woman that you're learning how to dance, then it subcommunicates so much more and leaves much to the imagination.  It tells her indirectly that you're someone who is interested in self-improvement.

If you dance, good or bad, it tells her that you have a healthy amount of confidence.  The funny thing about dancing and confidence is that if you don't have too much of it, the more you dance, the more confident you get.  This can be applied to pretty much any social skill.  For example, I had a similar experience with Toastmasters and public speaking.

Dancing also tells women indirectly that you like to try new things and have fun, which says a lot about a person's character.  Most guys who can't dance aren't afraid to confess that they're bad dancers - in fact, it seems like a macho thing to be a guy who doesn't dance - but the special ones do something about it.

Women complain to me all the time about not meeting the right guys.  Ladies, guys who love dancing are the ones you're looking for, and I'm not saying this to advertise myself.   Just watch out for the cocky dancer with the abnormally large ego.  These guys are rare though and easy to spot, because they're body language or insincere smile can be read like an open book.  This is a whole other story though.

I'm no Will Smith, but I do want the best for my students.  When I hear the feedback I get from my students, I know I'm onto something.  Thanks guys!

Last night,  my buddy Dave and I went out to Club Name-Not-Mentioned and the scene was half-dead.  Half-dead because at 11:30pm, the club wasn't half full as it usually is and what's more, the dance floor was deserted.  No one wanted to step into the spotlight.  There was literally a wall of people (mostly guys) encircling the dance floor standing at the edge of where the light coverage ended. 

The music was great.  The DJ was doing his job. 

So I investigated.  Groups of guys obviously would not step in for typical machismo reasons - worried it looked gay, or more likely, didn't want to look like a dancing fool.  I approached the girls for their take on the situation.  I could see many girls wanted to dance - swaying to the beat, mini-dancing in the darker areas, but for the same reason, they didn't want to be the center of attention.  After all, everyone would be watching them. 

Some said they needed more alcohol;  most wanted other people on the dance floor first.  In techie-terms, it's called a deadlock -  everyone's waiting on everyone else to start.

By midnight, as more people came in, the tension only increased.  As we talked about it with one group of girls, they told us jokingly, "Why don't you guys go out there and dance first?"  Most of the time, Dave and I don't play the puppy dog to these girl tests without at least a double dare, but given the context of the situation, it totally made sense! 

Under watchful eyes, we walked out onto the dance floor and started moving and grooving.  Then I said to Dave, "You know what?  Nothing's really happening in this club right now.  I want to have fun. Let's go all out.  Let me choreograph a routine for us."

That's right!  We started practicing a mini hip hop routine I put together on the spot.  It looked like we were pulling something out of a teenie-bop movie. 

Some guy tried to take advantage of the situation and tool us by mock copying us.  We didn't care.  We were really having fun.  Dave and I dropped down gangsta style like the crazy dancers in Fatboy Slim's Praise You video and put him on the spot to do his solo for us.  He disappeared as soon as he came.  The girls he was with, however, absolutely loved us and actually joined us learn our new routine. 

Before we knew it, more adventurous girls joined in and within minutes, the levee broke, and the dance floor filled up. 

Some guys say you shouldn't act like an entertaining fool in a club.  Who cares?  I really do love dancing.  Sometimes, I just want to kick back and have fun.

You don't have to go all out.  Start by being comfortable on your two feet and work your way up to genuinely have fun.

Smile.

That's it.  Sound simple really, but it's something most guys miss, especially if you're learning new moves and trying them on the dance floor.  At other times, the music gets a little repetitive, and we lose momentum.  I know, I know - girls can dance the whole night with the same simple moves while we guys get bored.  The smile is the first thing to go, when in fact, it should be the last thing to go.  If you're running out of dance steam, do less energetic dance moves, but keep the smile.

Great Dancer, No Smile

This doesn't happen too often.  If you watch the show "So You Think You Can Dance", or any dance competition for that matter, you'll notice that all the performing dancers have a fixed smile the whole time, and frequently flash that smile towards the judges.  You won't be looking out at the audience, but your audience is the girl or group of friends you're with. 

I go salsa dancing often.  I've seen all the looks some guys do.  

I remember a few months ago, one of my dance partners was dancing with one of the best salsa dancers in the club.  He performed these incredibly low and dangerous dips and strong moves.

When they were done, I asked her,  "Wow.  How was that?", expecting a positive answer.

She replied, "It was weird.  Did you see that look he was giving me the whole time?"

I looked over.  The guy was giving this greasy suave look to the girl he was dancing with.

I've talked to many of my salsa partners who've told me that they get creepy vibes from some guys who don't smile, even guys who dance well.  They don't mind dancing with guys just getting into salsa, but don't like dancing with creepy guys.  You don't want to be creepy.  Once you're labeled creepy, it's an uphill battle to get in the good books of a girl.