Club Secrets: How To Tame The Mother Hen And Keep The Chick

The following post is written by Angela, my latest dance partner and primary instructor for the upcoming Club Dance For Women series.  I was going to write about cockblocks, but she offered to give a female perspective on the issue.

Here’s a scene I’m sure might hit close to home. You’re in the club, chatting with the hot little number you just spotted from across the room. You can tell she’s into you by the way she casually touches your arm and laughs at all of your jokes, even the lame ones. You’re a heartbeat away from a done deal, when - out of nowhere - in swoops every man’s most irritating, repeating nightmare: the mother hen. You know what comes next. The MH quickly morphs into what can only be described as an impenetrable brick wall between you and your new ladyfriend. Despite your attempts to regain control of this situation, the experienced MH sees your efforts to be an even greater threat, and at this point decides to remove her chick from the situation entirely. And before you know it, you’re left standing in the club even lonelier than when you first walked in.


As an experienced chick in this game, I am here to help you fend off these mother hens! Be warned, they are persistent, determined and protective creatures. But not impossible. It’s just a matter of knowing how to deal with them.


1. The Wing Man

The best of the best; this option should always be your first when dealing with MHs. It eliminates any time you may spend diverting the big bird yourself, and allows you to focus on your top priority: the chick. It’s time for your buddy to take one for the team, and distract, humor, flatter, amuse, entertain, flirt with and/or order shots for the mother hen. Whatever it takes. MHs are sometimes described as the “bitter, jealous friend” who doesn’t want anyone getting attention if she isn’t getting it as well. So give her what she needs! Guaranteed, your buddy may need you to pull a similar favor sometime in the near future.


2. Befriend the Beast

Despite the idea that MHs are always the least appealing of the group, and just out to block any action their prettier friends might get, there are several women out there who are simply jaded by men they meet in clubs. They, in turn, feel responsible for their friends, and feel an obligation to protect and defend their fellow ladies from any and all potential harm. So although it may take up a bit of your time which could be better spent laying down the foundation with your true interest, making friends with the MH is your key to not only gaining more time with “the pretty one” but could even lead the MH to vouch for you later when her girlfriend comes to her looking for reassurance, and of course, making sure she wasn’t wearing any type of goggles at any point in the night. Women always want feedback from their girlfriends. If you can prove your intentions are sincere and  plead your case directly to the MH, consider yourself golden. Befriending the entire group of friends is also a great way to establish trust towards you among the flock.


3. Birdnapping

This should be a last resort when it comes to defeating the mother hen. Warning: should you wish to pursue anything beyond small talk at the bar with your beautiful chick, you will most definitely need to make up for this move at some point in the future. Birdnapping is going to mean distracting the MH with any and all means necessary, followed by a quick but effective swooping of the chick to relocate to another, hopefully inconspicuous area of the bar to resume chatting. Mother hen is not going to like this. But, if you can win yourself enough time with your new ladyfriend to personally convince her of your intentions, establish a connection, and allow her to realize she can make her own decisions when it comes to you, then the MH will soon be a distant memory. However, as I mentioned, achieving step 2 (befriending the beast) will be that much more difficult if steps are not done in proper order!


It’s all about understanding what is behind the mother hen’s protective behavior. Is she needing a little personal attention herself? Or is she simply keeping her girlfriend’s best interest in mind? The answer will help you decide how to proceed. Just remember to be yourself, don’t give up, and definitely don’t ruffle anyone’s feathers. You’ll prove your worth to the chick after all.

(Ki'une) Some things I would like to add.  Don't bother befriending the MH if she's the only one sitting down, arms crossed, and not looking like she's having a good time.  Also, a great question to ask when you talk to a group is "How do you guys know each other?" , and then calibrate according to the response.  If they say "co-workers", you don't need to worry about a MH situation so much.  If they say "bachelorette party", then you'll probably have a MH situation.